How much longer

Not sure how much longer Mom and I can do this with Dad.   When he’s with me - he wants to be ‘home’.  She says when he’s there, he wants to be here.  I told him that- and he said “I just want to go somewhere!”  I told him I thought I’d get a job as a bus driver and just let him ride with me all day.  He got a chuckle out of that - the first one in many days.  He has been sulking a lot.  He refused supper last night - said “I had this “expletive here” last night.  He hadn’t but whatever - he got cookies for supper.   Like a child on a long car trip saying “are we there yet?”  He asks continuously, “when do i get to go home”.  

We were busy yesterday - running around - I had to mow, and we made a lot of short  car trips to the store etc.  He was fine during the day - but along about 3ish - the mantra begins - after 5 - he’s mostly out of his mind completely.  He was looking for where he’s supposed to sleep in this place last night.  He said there was a piece of paper with it all drawn out somewhere.  Other times he just talks nonsense.

Hygiene is getting to be a huge issue.  We’ve both taken up the rugs in our bathrooms.  He tries to clean up his messes - but ends up making a bigger mess most of the time.   He has to be prompted to wash his hands and shave.  He keeps his hair combed and his shirt tucked in though.

He’s barely sleeping at night, which keeps me up as well.  He wanders the house, and ends up in his chair.  His eyes are red rimmed and he looks exhausted.  I tried giving him a tylenol PM - and it was like it did exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to do, so no more of those.

I called my brothers and talked to them, and then made a trip to talk to the people at the nursing home in his home town.  They are nice people, and it’s an adequate home, not as nice as the one they have in my town, but it would be closer to Mom, and maybe he’d get more visitors there.   We were told that there is a program that would protect Mom so that she wouldn’t become impoverished by putting him in there.   It’s through public aid.  I have yet to talk to them. 

I don’t know how I could face him again if I give up.  I feel like I’m punishing him for something that he can’t help.  My head knows that’s not true, but my heart just aches.  I cry when I think of him there… except at 3 am when he’s woken me for the 4th time… then I may be thinking more clearly, and realize - I could sleep for more than 3 hours in a row.  I could feel good again, maybe I wouldn’t be depressed.  I could take care of my husband who needs me, and pay attention to my work.   Selfish?  maybe.

Filed under Pity Party, Daily Life |