I want to go home Part Two
I seriously may lose my mind. Seriously. How can someone who can’t remember 5 minutes to the next be so horribly homesick. I can explain and explain about why he is here, and how long we’ll be here and his constant refraint is “I want to go home”. I am upset and crying because he is. It’s making me angry, because I feel guilty I guess, that I can’t fix it for him and make him happy. I try to take him somewhere every day and keep him occupied, but my business is suffering because I have to cater and worry about him 24/7. I’m afraid he’ll take off in the middle of the night. I won’t be able to sleep tonight for sure. I’m going to put a chair in front of the door when I go to bed. I look at him and he has this frowny unhappy face. He keeps rubbing his face and beating his fists on his legs. He gets up and sits back down. I have to quit being angry. I know he can’t help it. He hasn’t been able to live ‘at home’ for 2 years because I’ve had him living with me. I even told him Mom would put him in a nursing home if he stays with her, and he said, “fine put me in a nursing home”.
If I make it the rest of the week, I will be surprised. God should know by now how much I can take, and I was there last Thursday. This combined with being apart from my husband while he goes through his cancer treatments, losing Rock’s grandma last week, and not being able to work because of taking care of him has cracked me right down the middle and the crack is getting wider and wider.
I’m not sure I even want to be strong anymore.
Pity party time - bring your own Kleenex.
Away from home
I may very well lose my mind too. 7 hour road trip to arkansas. Dad didn’t use a restroom all the way down. When we got there he thought we were just across town and wanted to know when we were going home. He thought we had come here to work and told Jim “I can’t do much, but I’ll do what I can.” He did eventually settle down and went to bed early.
Jim left the next day to start his radiation. I packed up Dad and went 30 miles to the ‘city’. We had a nice lunch and then went to super WalMart. 30 miles home. “Who lives here?” “When are they coming home” “Where did the guys go”. He sits in the chair beside the table where my modem sits. The flashing lights are driving him crazy. I have to keep telling him to leave it alone. He wandered around picking up papers and looking at things. I asked him if he was looking for something, and he told me he was trying to find out who lived here. When we go outside - Who’s car is that - who’s boat, etc etc. (We’re in the middle of 22 acres)
It’s now 6:22 pm, and I know he wants to go to bed. It’s a 2 room cabin. If he goes to bed (couch) - that means I have to go to the bedroom. The dogs will have to be in way way way too early. I’m going to have to handle this very carefully. He’s so mixed up. well, he does remember I told him he was getting a haircut tomorrow. Only 9 more days down here until the 7 hour trip home.
Labor Day
Woke up today, as usual, to see Dad sitting in the recliner across from me. I went and fixed coffee and breakfast and called him to the table. He couldn’t get up from the chair. I helped him get up, but then he couldn’t walk. He was dragging his right leg as if it were dead. I checked his face and arm, and there didn’t seem to be anything changed with them, it was just his leg. I helped him get to the table and we had breakfast. He kept trying to walk by himself, because of course he would forget that he couldn’t. After a decent hour (all this happened around 5 am), I called my neighbor to see if she had a walker I could borrow, and went down and got it.
I was in a bit of a panic, I didn’t know if he had had another stroke, or what had happened. He was suppose to go with me to Arkansas tomorrow to stay at the cabin while Jim started his radiation. Mom was at the Labor Day parade with her friends, and I didn’t want to bother and worry her until I knew what was going on, so I decided to take him to the doctor in Pana (where she lives). They xrayed and catscanned him, and seems to concentrate way too much on the fact that his ankle was swelled a little. He hadn’t fallen - he just woke up broke! They could tell by the catscan that he hadn’t had another stroke, and of course the xrays didn’t show anything. Doctor wrote me a prescription for a wheel chair and told me to give him tylenol and sent me home. I called Mom told her what was going on and reassured her that she wouldn’t have to take care of him, I was still taking him to Arkansas with me.
He fell 2 more times that day, despite me being there. I would have to physically pick him up again.
We got up at 4 am Tuesday and took off for Arkansas, there was no other choice, I had to be there for Jim. I was in a bit of a panic about bathroom breaks etc on the 360, 7 hour trip, but he didn’t go until we got there. He still stumbled, and fell once (right on his butt). I’m going to take him to his regular doctor when we get home next week. (They postponed Jim’s treatments until Sept 16).