How much longer
Not sure how much longer Mom and I can do this with Dad. When he’s with me - he wants to be ‘home’. She says when he’s there, he wants to be here. I told him that- and he said “I just want to go somewhere!” I told him I thought I’d get a job as a bus driver and just let him ride with me all day. He got a chuckle out of that - the first one in many days. He has been sulking a lot. He refused supper last night - said “I had this “expletive here” last night. He hadn’t but whatever - he got cookies for supper. Like a child on a long car trip saying “are we there yet?” He asks continuously, “when do i get to go home”.
We were busy yesterday - running around - I had to mow, and we made a lot of short car trips to the store etc. He was fine during the day - but along about 3ish - the mantra begins - after 5 - he’s mostly out of his mind completely. He was looking for where he’s supposed to sleep in this place last night. He said there was a piece of paper with it all drawn out somewhere. Other times he just talks nonsense.
Hygiene is getting to be a huge issue. We’ve both taken up the rugs in our bathrooms. He tries to clean up his messes - but ends up making a bigger mess most of the time. He has to be prompted to wash his hands and shave. He keeps his hair combed and his shirt tucked in though.
He’s barely sleeping at night, which keeps me up as well. He wanders the house, and ends up in his chair. His eyes are red rimmed and he looks exhausted. I tried giving him a tylenol PM - and it was like it did exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to do, so no more of those.
I called my brothers and talked to them, and then made a trip to talk to the people at the nursing home in his home town. They are nice people, and it’s an adequate home, not as nice as the one they have in my town, but it would be closer to Mom, and maybe he’d get more visitors there. We were told that there is a program that would protect Mom so that she wouldn’t become impoverished by putting him in there. It’s through public aid. I have yet to talk to them.
I don’t know how I could face him again if I give up. I feel like I’m punishing him for something that he can’t help. My head knows that’s not true, but my heart just aches. I cry when I think of him there… except at 3 am when he’s woken me for the 4th time… then I may be thinking more clearly, and realize - I could sleep for more than 3 hours in a row. I could feel good again, maybe I wouldn’t be depressed. I could take care of my husband who needs me, and pay attention to my work. Selfish? maybe.
Filed under Pity Party, Daily Life | Comment (0)I want to go home Part Two
I seriously may lose my mind. Seriously. How can someone who can’t remember 5 minutes to the next be so horribly homesick. I can explain and explain about why he is here, and how long we’ll be here and his constant refraint is “I want to go home”. I am upset and crying because he is. It’s making me angry, because I feel guilty I guess, that I can’t fix it for him and make him happy. I try to take him somewhere every day and keep him occupied, but my business is suffering because I have to cater and worry about him 24/7. I’m afraid he’ll take off in the middle of the night. I won’t be able to sleep tonight for sure. I’m going to put a chair in front of the door when I go to bed. I look at him and he has this frowny unhappy face. He keeps rubbing his face and beating his fists on his legs. He gets up and sits back down. I have to quit being angry. I know he can’t help it. He hasn’t been able to live ‘at home’ for 2 years because I’ve had him living with me. I even told him Mom would put him in a nursing home if he stays with her, and he said, “fine put me in a nursing home”.
If I make it the rest of the week, I will be surprised. God should know by now how much I can take, and I was there last Thursday. This combined with being apart from my husband while he goes through his cancer treatments, losing Rock’s grandma last week, and not being able to work because of taking care of him has cracked me right down the middle and the crack is getting wider and wider.
I’m not sure I even want to be strong anymore.
Pity party time - bring your own Kleenex.
Away from home
I may very well lose my mind too. 7 hour road trip to arkansas. Dad didn’t use a restroom all the way down. When we got there he thought we were just across town and wanted to know when we were going home. He thought we had come here to work and told Jim “I can’t do much, but I’ll do what I can.” He did eventually settle down and went to bed early.
Jim left the next day to start his radiation. I packed up Dad and went 30 miles to the ‘city’. We had a nice lunch and then went to super WalMart. 30 miles home. “Who lives here?” “When are they coming home” “Where did the guys go”. He sits in the chair beside the table where my modem sits. The flashing lights are driving him crazy. I have to keep telling him to leave it alone. He wandered around picking up papers and looking at things. I asked him if he was looking for something, and he told me he was trying to find out who lived here. When we go outside - Who’s car is that - who’s boat, etc etc. (We’re in the middle of 22 acres)
It’s now 6:22 pm, and I know he wants to go to bed. It’s a 2 room cabin. If he goes to bed (couch) - that means I have to go to the bedroom. The dogs will have to be in way way way too early. I’m going to have to handle this very carefully. He’s so mixed up. well, he does remember I told him he was getting a haircut tomorrow. Only 9 more days down here until the 7 hour trip home.
YAWN….
Had I mentioned Dad’s sleeping habits ? I sleep on the couch (by the front door) so if he gets confused and tried to go outside it will wake me (my dog’s potty bell is on the door knob). Dad goes to bed between 6 and 7 PM. The only time he stays up later is if my mother is here and I have gone out to eat with a friend, or am otherwise gone in the evening, then he’ll wait up until I get home. I admit that I enjoy the alone time in the evening, but the result is that he will get up anytime between midnight and 3 am. He actually got up at 9:30 the other night and scared the bejesus out of me. He comes into the living room and sits in his recliner and watches me sleep I guess. He’s always fully dressed and has his hair combed. The television is always on and I am usually careful about what channel I leave it on so that it’s not infomercials all night long. I’ll wake up and there he is. Sometime he’s went back to sleep. Other times he’ll look at his watch every 2 minutes or so (by the light of the tv).
If I’m not up myself at 5:30 - 6 am - I feel guilty because he’s sitting there - just waiting for me to make the coffee and then his breakfast.
I wanted to sleep in so badly this morning ……
Filed under Pity Party, Daily Life | Comment (0)Good Days - Bad Days
We have good days, where he remembers things and seems to be really on the ball. Today is not one of those days. Of course it was bath day, so that probably didn’t help. All his hankies were in the wash and he couldn’t find his white comb. He forgot to comb his hair, and the wash cloth and soap weren’t even wet in the shower. SIGH!! I guess he got rinsed off though, and he has clean clothes on and finally got his hair combed (with the pink comb).
Is this Sunday? No dad, it’s Friday. 10 minutes later - What day is it? It’s Friday Dad - 15 minutes later. Is it Sunday? No dad, it’s Friday.
Lunch time - what is this white stuff? Dad that’s pudding, it’s your dessert.
Do I need to feed those cats? No Dad, you fed the cats after breakfast like you do every day.
Is this Sunday?
Filed under Memory, Pity Party, Daily Life | Comment (0)