A letter from Mom and Dad

This was posted on Facebook today, and I wanted to share it – We’ll all be old someday if we’re lucky!

My child,

When I get old, I hope you understand ‘n have patience with me
In case I break the plate, or spill soup on the table because I

January 2011

Daddy turned 91 on Jan 1.

On Jan  7 the nursing home called and said they took Dad to the hospital.  They told me he had been vomiting and his white blood count was up.  The hospital later told me that he was severely dehydrated (again), he had a kidney infection, and he was bleeding in his stomach again.  They hooked him to IVs -pumped fluids and antibiotics into him.  The next day he was like a new person.  Somewhere along the line, I was told that he laid in the nursing home for 3 days – unresponsive in a fetal position.  I imagine this is how he became dehydrated. (again).

He continued to improve at the hospital and received great care.  He even teased the nurses one time when they tried to check his breathing. He was a pistol at night though, trying to get out of bed (he can’t walk), and being very restless!

He goes back to the nursing home today. We are going to up our visits and recruit some volunteers to check in once in a while at random times.  There really isn’t a good reason I can think of for them to let him lie like that and get dehydrated.  I know we have a DNR order on record, but we don’t have a “ignore and let die” order.  A letter signed by the whole family will be written to the local nursing home and to their head office.  Someone needs to know.

An update on Daddy

At the end of Sept 2009 I was in TX visiting my son and grandkids when i received a phone call that Daddy was in the emergency room bleeding from his rectum and they couldn’t stop the bleeding.   He was staying with Mom while I was gone, and hadn’t complained about a thing.  He had what she called an ‘accident’ – and then went to bed.  He got up to go to the restroom again, and collapsed.  She called her friend, who in turn called the ambulance.  They nearly lost him several times, and finally got him stable enough to heliport him to a hospital more equipped to take care of him.  My brother Dennis met him at the hospital and stayed with him. My brother David drove in from VA.  My friend Gail took Mom up to visit him once.  He was in ICU for nearly a week as they tested and probed him.  They never did come up with a definitive reason for what had happened.  He had lost control of his bodily functions at this time, and seemed to have drifted even further away.  He was quite a pistol at the hospital, trying to take out his tubes and take off his wires.  He couldn’t walk by himself anymore.  When I got there, the doctors had made a decision for me.  He needed to be in the nursing home.  I was visited by several social workers and nursing home representatives.  It was decided to take him to Prairie Rose.   I drove him, with a stop to get a fish sandwich and a milkshake on the way there.  he could no longer suck from a straw.   The place wasn’t very modern or clean, the smell was over powering (urine).   We got him to his room, and Mom came out to set with us for a little while.  He wanted to sleep, so we left.   When i got there the next morning around 9 am – he was lying naked on his bed, covered in feces and shivering.  I cleaned him up, and covered him up, and then went to find out how this could have happened.  The feces were dried, so he had been like that for a while.  I called the brothers, and started the search for someplace else for him.  The other nursing home in town was not sure they were equipped to meet his needs, but accepted him anyway.

He has no idea where he is, but he knows he wants out.  He was using a walker to begin with, but would walk until he literally dropped from exhaustion.  I would get a call nearly every day that “Max has fallen, he’s ok though”.  He’s now restrained in a wheel chair and drags himself up and down the hall ways.  He can no longer feed himself with much success.  My brother Dennis has been to visit him and he’s unable to wake him.  They have him drugged pretty good because he was being pretty belligerent for a while, even took a swing at one of the aides.

I am mostly living with my husband now in another state.  I saw Daddy 2 weeks ago.  He was sleeping when i went into his room, so I touch his shoulder and said “Daddy, Daddy” – He opened his eyes, smiled and said “Hi Nan” and then hugged me for the longest time.  I told him news about his grandson being accept to West Point, and he seemed to understand and had a proud look on his face.  He doesn’t articulate well.  I chattered at him for a while, and he fell back to sleep.   Mom visits him nearly every day, and sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s like he doesn’t want her there, and other times it’s like he doesn’t even know she IS there.

I think he’s still there.

His 91st birthday is coming up Jan 1.

How much longer

Not sure how much longer Mom and I can do this with Dad.   When he’s with me – he wants to be ‘home’.  She says when he’s there, he wants to be here.  I told him that- and he said “I just want to go somewhere!”  I told him I thought I’d get a job as a bus driver and just let him ride with me all day.  He got a chuckle out of that – the first one in many days.  He has been sulking a lot.  He refused supper last night – said “I had this “expletive here” last night.  He hadn’t but whatever – he got cookies for supper.   Like a child on a long car trip saying “are we there yet?”  He asks continuously, “when do i get to go home”.  

We were busy yesterday – running around – I had to mow, and we made a lot of short  car trips to the store etc.  He was fine during the day – but along about 3ish – the mantra begins – after 5 – he’s mostly out of his mind completely.  He was looking for where he’s supposed to sleep in this place last night.  He said there was a piece of paper with it all drawn out somewhere.  Other times he just talks nonsense.

Hygiene is getting to be a huge issue.  We’ve both taken up the rugs in our bathrooms.  He tries to clean up his messes – but ends up making a bigger mess most of the time.   He has to be prompted to wash his hands and shave.  He keeps his hair combed and his shirt tucked in though.

He’s barely sleeping at night, which keeps me up as well.  He wanders the house, and ends up in his chair.  His eyes are red rimmed and he looks exhausted.  I tried giving him a tylenol PM – and it was like it did exactly the opposite of what it was supposed to do, so no more of those.

I called my brothers and talked to them, and then made a trip to talk to the people at the nursing home in his home town.  They are nice people, and it’s an adequate home, not as nice as the one they have in my town, but it would be closer to Mom, and maybe he’d get more visitors there.   We were told that there is a program that would protect Mom so that she wouldn’t become impoverished by putting him in there.   It’s through public aid.  I have yet to talk to them. 

I don’t know how I could face him again if I give up.  I feel like I’m punishing him for something that he can’t help.  My head knows that’s not true, but my heart just aches.  I cry when I think of him there… except at 3 am when he’s woken me for the 4th time… then I may be thinking more clearly, and realize – I could sleep for more than 3 hours in a row.  I could feel good again, maybe I wouldn’t be depressed.  I could take care of my husband who needs me, and pay attention to my work.   Selfish?  maybe.

After many good days – a really bad day

He’s arguing about how he doesn’t live here.  He’s went through paperwork, even took some letters out of the trash.   Told me we had to get out of here, there was nothing that he could find that told him who lived here.  I showed him an envelope with my name and address on it.   “We’ve got to get out of here. Aren’t you taking me to Tower Hill where the McNeese girls are?  I can’t stay here, I don’t have clothes here.”  So I sent him to his bedroom to go through his drawers.  

Mom’s told me he’s done this at her house before, he’s never done it this bad here before.  I have nothing to relate it to – he was fine this morning when we went to WalMart and the post office.  We had a hamburger for lunch, and it’s been downhill ever since.
I have to get some gas and a couple errands -maybe going out will bump this fixation out of his mind.   Maybe a dairy queen … I know that always helps me ha ha.

Is clearer better?

i don’t know if when his mind is clearer if it’s a good thing or  not.  When he’s thinking fairly well – he WANTS TO GO HOME  -when I explain it to him, once again, he says but that’s MY HOUSE, it’s where my friends are, people I know.
I cautioned him about being angry when he’s there and shaking his fist at Mom, and he said ‘Then she ought to behave herself.”
I talked with one of Mom’s friends today about the situation, and she really hears and only sees Mom’s side.  I see both sides, but don’t, and will never understand the lack of compassion and caring that is missing from a ‘good Christian’.   Granted, she’s getting bad about memory things, and is considered deaf  -  but you don’t have to remember to be nice or loving – and you don’t have to be able to hear to be nice either.  My brothers see both sides as well..  and both sides of her. i love her, but she’s self centered, and hypocritical.

He told me he sees Mom out running around, on the back of a motorbike, he’s seen her a lot.  She’s just riding around he says.   I don’t know if this is a memory or a hallucination, but he believes it and gets all tight mouth with me when I disagree with him.

One part of me wants to just take him to her and say – listen he wants to live in his own house, how about you take care of him, and i’ll help you when you need me.   Jim’s warned me several times that I am not going to be doing this much longer, that he needs taken care of and he is the one I made a vow with. 

One day at a time.

Memory gets worse later in the day

Dad seems to be settled in a stable pattern of memory during the day time.  Not that he remembers much, but he knows where he is and why.  As the day progresses, however, it deteriorates.   I’m learning not to tell him of future plans, for instance, we’re going to the grocery store after lunch… because he will dwell on that and worry on it – he doesn’t want to be late, or miss the trip I guess.

We hadn’t had an “I lost my keys” episode for quite a while until last night.   He got up 2 hours after going for bed and was rummaging in his dresser drawers.   When I told him where his keys were, brought them to him and showed them to him, he said “Not those keys” – I hung them back up and he came into the kitchen to examine them again.  He dropped them – hung them back up, and wanted a drink.   He got his drink and went to bed, keys forgotten. He didn’t even get up until 5 am!

Today I’ m taking him to Mom’s for 5 days while I go to see my husband.  I haven’t told him yet, or packed his bag.  We’ll do it just before it’s time to go.   I’m learning!!

Is anyone else coming?

Dad stayed Saturday and Sunday at his house with Mom.  I picked him up Sunday afternoon and brought him ‘home’, except it’s not home yet to him (again).  Sometimes I wonder if the time ‘off’ is worth the days of reorientation when he comes back.
Mom isn’t feeling well, has bloodwork today, and is in some pain in her back and hip.  I convinced her to take an Aleve.  She didn’t think she should tke anything with her other medications.  I guess her pain made her grumpy as she called Dad “dummy’ when she asked him to go into HER bedroom (where he never goes) and get her the telephone.  I guess he couldn’t find it.  Not sure why she didn’t just have him give her the phone that is on the wall where they were with a long cord attached to it.  She could have pointed to it.

Now that he’s back here, he has been acting like a guest rather than someone who has lived here for over 2 years.  A common question is “Is anyone else coming” – I don’t know to whom he is referring, but the answer is nearly always ‘no’.  He asked where Jim was, wanted to know where the other dog was (dead for 6 years).  He wanted to repack his bag last night for when he went home.  It’s going to be a constant explaining and discussing the going home thing today.   Then, too, he could take a nap, wake up, and everything be like it was.   I told him Mom wasn’t feeling well, had some tests at the hospital and he said “She needs someone to help take care of her too” …meaning him.

Sounds petty, I know.  It isn’t unless you’re living the constant repetition coupled with the pity you feel because he can’t be where he wants to be.   

I had lunch with a girl that I grew up on the block with.   Her dad is a retired police officer, a little younger than Daddy.  She told me he said that “Max is a great guy, you won’t find anyone that doesn’t or didn’t like him.”   Made me feel real proud of him and I’m glad she shared it with me.

Happy 89th Birthday

Although Dad never believes me when I tell him how old he is – today (Jan. 1 2009) is his 89th birthday.  I don’t have anything big planned for him.  I had thought we would go out to eat with my mother (his wife) – but she said  “Just do whatever don’t worry about me.”  To give her credit she did send a card for him.   I really think, even though he won’t remember it tomorrow, or maybe even an hour later – we should still treat the day like we always did with cake, candles, and gifts.  

I bought a can of oysters yesterday and I’m going to fix him oyster stew for his birthday dinner followed up by his favorite coconut cake.  He told me yesterday he didn’t like oyster stew – but I know he does, it was a favorite at the church soup suppers for over 50 years.

He was cute and cutting up and joking when I went to pick him up yesterday.  Mom told me that she had done up all his laundry.  He told me she had made him sit around naked while she did it.  He settled back into the routine here after a little bit of confusion after being gone for 10 days while I spent Christmas with my husband.  He did ask where ‘the old man’ was (Jim).   Of course everything is minute by minute – something could trigger a change at anytime.

I’ve made a resolution to try to find more things to keep him occupied. It’s a real challenge as his motor skills are poor, his eyesight is poor, and of course the ability to do a series of actions is limited.  He does NEED chores or jobs that he doesn’t resent – and a feeling of usefulness, as well as something to keep him from being so bored!  These will have to be chores he can succeed in, as being unable to do them create frustration.   I’ve really had my thinking cap turned on high for this one.  When he was in the nursing home, the aides would give some of the ladies there baskets of wash cloths to fold.  They would sit and fold them over and over again.  I’d really like to find something a little more ‘real’ than that.

Christmas Cookies

The Christmas Cookie decorating went well yesterday – well except for the fact that I burnt the cookies.   Dad was ready, willing, and able to help me out.